Real talk about PTSD chpt1 Panic attacks
I will never forget the first time…
Deviant Art
Real talk about PTSD. I will never forget the first time…. We slowly pulled the engine back into the bay for the 11th time in 16 hours of a 24 hour shift. The screech of the tires on the epoxied concrete floor and the sound of the air brakes engaging signaled our permission to dismount. None of the calls had been particularly bad or strenuous. Mostly BLS calls, a lockout and had not even a fire yet that shift. As the rumble of the diesel shut down, I stepped out of the truck and it hit me. A dense feeling of dread and debilitating sadness came over me that nearly dropped me to my knees. Like the physical reaction after plunging into cold water, I could not finish taking a breath. It must have shown on my face because my Engineer stopped and asked me if I was ok. I waved a dismissal hand towards him and muttered an excuse about never eating fast food again quickly heading to the bunk rooms.
I walked to the far end of my room and stood with both hands against the far wall resting my forehead on the cold concrete. With no ability to stop them, tears flowed from my eyes in steady streams. “What the hell is wrong with me?!” was all I could think over and over again. I worked to force air in and out of my lungs. Trying desperately to focus on slowing my heart rate. It seemed like every insane fucked up life scenario that had hit me over the previous 5 years had come screaming to the surface. Finding out my marriage was hollow and over, three weeks later one of my children attempting suicide and being nearly destroyed, leaving my dream job in music to move across the country to be around family while we tried to heal. As if that wasn’t enough, my Mom had been misdiagnosed and was now slowly dying of breast cancer, therapy sessions 4 times a week for my son and my other 4 kids’ counseling, EMT school/Fire Academy/Paramedic school/Booter year and my marriage coming to an end…..all of it hit me at that moment.
I have always been an incredibly strong man. I had run marathons, served in the Infantry, had gone from homeless at 23 to a very nice career in Music in only 7 years. I had built businesses from scratch and sold them. I had overcome more at this point than most see in their entire lives. Yet there I was, in a small dark room frozen by this unbelievable feeling of dread…. It was the first time for me. “Wait…. Me?!” I thought as I realized what it was. “I’m not fucking weak! I’m not some beta male who has never been through rough patches! Panic attacks don’t happen to strong people!” As I began to spiral down a path of negativity, a gift of a thought came gently but firmly pushing it’s way to the surface. The words of one of my most treasured mentors came to mind. It was from a book that had changed the life of a homeless kid and allowed me to achieve all that I had.
The New Knowledge that Changes everything
In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, teaches that all things can have purpose if we control our judgement and reaction to those things. Tears still silently falling, I took a long deep breath and worked to accept this council again. Through the tears, fears, and depression, I worked to find my calm. Taking a few slow breaths, I began to emotionally and mentally step out of my own way. Memories and realizations were still competing for attention, but the feeling of dread began to subside. Like a good father, I let each of them clamor their voices but began to choose a different way of seeing them. Instead of the negativity of “this shouldn’t be”, I accepted what was, and stayed in the moment. Each memory stung as I let it come forward. Instead of allowing myself to be tortured or afraid or angry at it, I loved it for being a part of me and took control over my reaction. Individually, I worked to honor each memory and thank it for offering me a moment to reflect.
The Truth of you
Truth is, we are beautiful and perfect creations. Everything in us is programmed to serve us with what we need. Even the horrifying moments of breakdown are gifts to us, if we choose to allow them to be. In all the podcasts, and interviews I have done, the best analogy I could come up with is this: In each of us is a bottle that can withstand enormous amounts of pressure from within. We use this bottle to store harsh and traumatic moments and feelings that we don’t have time to process. We do this to finish the task at hand and promise to deal with it on another day. In the Army, as Firefighters, as Police Officers, we are taught to focus on the mission no matter what happens. We have to set aside horrifying moments when they happen, so that we can function as we are needed in that moment. This bottle, so-to-speak, is powerfully strong, however there is one point of necessary vulnerability. Even though the bottle is nearly unbreakable, the lid has an intelligent relief valve that allows overpressures to escape. If this relief valve was not in the design, the vessel would eventually, and catastrophically, fail and release every stored up trauma at once. It is during these moments of pressure relief that we experience these breakdowns we call panic attacks.
“Panic Attacks” are natural and needed when we have avoided processing moments that need it. It is in the choice of how we receive them, and use them, that we decide to either have breakthroughs, or to continue the downward spiral of negativity that claims so many of our brothers and sisters. We often self medicate with alcohol and drugs, porn and infidelity, video games and social media. All can become escapes to avoid dealing with the build ups of pains and traumas. Often we use the excuse that we “do not have time”, or that “it isn’t the right time” to deal with these things. We must learn to trust the genius behind how we are designed to be and change how we see, and use, these gifted moments. TRUTH: When it is coming up for you, it is the right time, and you need to make time, to reflect and even reprocess. A great counselor, mentor, or peer can be life altering in these moments.
“Beliefs create thoughts… Thoughts create action…. Actions create Habits… Habits create the character of who you have chosen to be.”
Over the next few years, I had more of these moments. With practice, I became faster, and habitual, at offering a healthier reaction to each one. I stopped worrying about when they were going to happen and allowed them to come as needed. Each attack was painful but became smaller and less frequent until my soul no longer had need of them. My marriage ended. My Mom passed and life still had struggles, but once I had dealt with all of the traumas I had in storage, I began to practice handling each trauma as it occurred instead of being bottled up for another day. When I travel and speak on this topic, I often hear that it sounds too easy being put this way. I always reply, “It is that simple….but never that easy.”
Worth
We are worth it. You are worth it. Every single step you take on the path to healing and recovery has infinite worth regardless of how small of a step forward it seems. Stop looking and judging yourself by the impossible standards of what perfection has to be, and let yourself see the beauty of who and where you are right now. Find your inspiration in today’s small victories and always do your best, but realize that each day’s best is unique but always acceptable.
Frontline Regards,
Ed C Cunningham
Owner/Founder Frontline Beard Co
25th ID Vet
Former Firefighter/paramedic
Former Firehouse Subs Franchisee
Wrestled a live Mountain Lion once too
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First Responder Support Network is a great place to begin your healing journey and offers peer level counseling.
US Dept of Veteran Affairs offers Veterans PTSD counseling and services.